


Love Remained a Drug That’s the High and not the Pill

by orphan_account



Series: NCT Drabbles/Short Stories/Oneshots [1]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Depression, Friendship, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Domestic Violence, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, It'll be a happy ending i promise you, M/M, Multi, Panic Attacks, So i can make this story but not update the other one lol, The Author Regrets Everything, Trust Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-17
Updated: 2017-02-22
Packaged: 2018-09-25 01:26:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,610
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9796250
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: "For each other?" Johnny whispers into Hansol's ear as the boys finally decided to pick a movie.Hansol nods. "For each other."





	1. Love Remained a Drug That’s the High and not the Pill.

**Author's Note:**

> Warning:  
> There are mentions of self-harm and overdosing towards the end of the story, and there is some violence towards the beginning. 
> 
> Also, please forgive me if this isnt any good. I rushed this out within 2 days.
> 
> ~Kaylee

_**"Loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible poverty."** _

\- Mother Teresa

* * *

The room is slowly beginning to permeate with the smell of cigarettes and broken beer bottles scattered across the kitchen floor from the fight the couple had last night.

Hansol wakes up from a deep slumber, to find the side of the bed next to him empty and the shower running. He throws on one of Johnny's sweatshirts over top of his loose tee shirt and shuffles out into the kitchen, making sure that he put on his slippers before stepping out onto the tile floor covered in brown glass shards from when he and Johnny had become angry at one another and threw a beer bottle at each other in a moment of rage. 

 

_"What the **fuck** is your problem?" Johnny yells as soon as he enters the door of the house "You knew I was coming home this late!"_

_"My fucking problem is you leaving your blood in the bathroom sink!" Hansol yells back, slamming his almost empty beer bottle down on the kitchen fable and walking over to the other boy, who throws his jacket onto the carpeted flooring. "Jesus Christ, could you please stop destroying yourself?!"_

_Johnny_   _lets a sarcastic laugh escape from his lips, walking past Hansol and brushing his shoulder against his boyfriend's own in the process. "You know," Johnny turns around, laughing as he props his arms up against the kitchen counter top. "I don't see why you're giving me advice, since you're the one that overdosed on pills two months ago. Do you remember that?"_

 _Hansol has never been this angry before, **never.**_ _His hand grips the newest beer bottle he got out of the fridge tightly, holding the neck of the bottle as tight as he could until his knuckles turned white. Hansol then makes the worst decision he's ever made in his life, and throws the bottle (to which Youngho dodges)  above Johnny's head. The younger bites his bottom lip and takes Hansol's empty bottle and throws it back at Hansol, the man dodging it as well._

_"Johnny, baby, I—"_

_"You're **what**?" Johnny walks away from him and the now destroyed kitchen and grabs his jacket yet again. "You're **sorry**? After you fucking threw a beer bottle at my head?" _

_"Johnny—"_

_"No I just...I need to be alone right now," he says, zipping up his jacket and opening the front door to gusting winds. "Bye Hansol, I'll be back soon."_

_Hansol walks to go walk up to him and give him a kiss on the cheek before Johnny leaves, but his feet stay in the same spot, and his body doesn't move at all. His lips only form a silent **"I love you,"** when Johnny quietly shuts the door. _

_Johnny then comes back to the house about 2 and a half hours later, much to Hansol's surprise. He's holding a bag of food in one hand and a container of drinks in the other. "Thought you'd be hungry," he says with a small smile, sitting the food down on the old, rickety coffee table. "Because I was."_

_"Yeah," Hansol says, leaning over and kissing the ladder on the cheek. "I was. Thank you."_

_"No problem."_

 

Hansol finishes cleaning up the broken bottle pieces off of the kitchen floor when Johnny steps out of the shower, already dressed in a pair of sweat pants and a large sweater. He rakes his fingers through his halfway dry hair, a shy smile creeping onto his face. "Baby, I could've done it you know. You could've called me out of the shower."

Hansol shakes his head, throwing the rest of the glass pieces into the trash can and wrapping his arms around the other's slightly larger frame. "It's okay. Why were you taking so long in the shower? I almost got worried that you were dying in there. Did you hurt your... _Johnny_."

The ladder leans out of the hug and walks over to the living room, hands shoved into his sweatpants pockets. Hansol follows behind him, sitting down on the leather couch next to Johnny, who is breathing a little heavily. "I just... That was really bad last night, Hansol. And it brought back things that... Y'know, I didn't want to remember."

Hansol flinches involuntarily, even though he honestly didn't have no reason to. He props his legs up onto Johnny's thighs as the younger leans his head against the back part of the couch. Hansol remembers Johnny telling him about his childhood, how he heard screaming back and forth from his parents almost every night, glass shattering, and how he usually hid underneath the kitchen table or wherever he was when his father was around when he came home drunk and breaking things all over the house. 

"I'm sorry for —"

 _"Stop it,"_ Johnny suddenly pops up from the couch, almost making Hansol fall to the ground. "I'm just _sick_ and _tired_ of people telling me that they're sorry. How is that going to change everything that was shitty during my childhood? How would they know?" 

Hansol can't even try to open his mouth and answer the younger man as Johnny paces back and forth in the living room. Johnny's right, Hansol doesn't know what he's been through. He's had a pretty good childhood until he was 17, when his parents divorced because they no longer loved each other like they used to. His father would go out drinking and cheating with other women at most points, and his mother would often spend her days at work, or watching rom-coms quietly on the couch until they waited for him to get home. 

Johnny sits back on the couch, head in his hands as Hansol quietly rubs comforting circles on Johnny's back. "So, um," Hansol says, continuing his rubbing in circular motions. "Where'd you go last night?" 

Hansol knows he should trust Johnny, he really does. But he just replays the sounds and images of his mother crying on the living room couch because his father admitted he screwed around with other women that day, and many days before that. 

"I was at Taeyong and Jaehyun's house drinking some coffee and watching a movie before I left to get us some food," Johnny says after removing his hands from his face. "Why? Is everything alright?" 

"I just," Hansol pauses momentarily, rubbing his eyes. He doesn't want to tell Johnny the truth, because that'll make the younger even more upset. He'll just keep it all bottled up, even though Hansol himself knows it's not right to do so. "Nothing's wrong love, I just wanted to make sure you were safe last night, since it was cold and there were strong winds outside." 

"Don't lie to me." Johnny replies, wrapping his arm around the older, pulling him closer. "Are you...I'm not your father, Hansol." 

_"I'm not your father, Hansol."_

Hansol doesn't speak a word as Johnny continues on with his little speech. "I'm not going to screw around with anyone else, I'm not going to look at anyone else. My eyes are only for you, and you only." 

"You sure?" Hansol looks up at him, and Johnny responds with a kiss onto his forehead.

"I'm absolutely fucking sure," he smiles. "So, wanna go join the boys for some drinks at Taeyong's house?"

"You bet your ass!" Hansol stands up quickly, grabbing a pair of sneakers. "First one to find the car keys gets to drive!"

Johnny runs up off the couch and tries to push down Hansol to get to the bedroom bedside table where the car keys lie. "Not if I get there first!"

They spend a few hours at Taeyong's house, and Hansol enjoys how him, Johnny, Taeyong, Jaehyun, Chittaphon, Dongyoung, Mark and Donghyuck were playing cards (and Taeyong became a mother figure and excluded Mark and Donghyuck from the gambling game they played later, to their dismay), and he ignored how his and Johnny's problems had no effect on their friends whatsoever. 

"You know," Johnny whispers to Hansol as Chittaphon and Jaehyun argue about what movie to watch (and Dongyoung ends up in it as well), "I think I'm going to try and stop."

Hansol's mind doesn't process what Johnny's saying at the moment as he looks over at the younger, raising his eyebrows slightly. "Stop what?" 

"Stop hurting myself," Hansol feels his hand being intertwined with Johnny's. "As long as you stop drinking so damn much and taking those pills whenever you want. I hate finding you passed out on the floor and then being taken to the ER."

Johnny vividly remembers the day when he found Hansol passed out on the living room floor from a combination of alcohol and pills that Johnny has no idea where the older found them, and how he had to sit in the ambulance waiting for Hansol to regain consciousness. It was during their sophomore year of college, when they first got together. Johnny remembers that he's found Hansol like this multiple times over the years.

Hansol also remembers the time when he found Johhnny passed out in the bathroom with blood seeping out of his forearm, and how he had to keep shaking him to help keep him conscious. It was their second to last week of their senior year of college, but it wasn't the only time he's found Johnny like that.

Hansol looks at Johnny again, a small smile on his face. "Yeah, lets try."

"For each other?" Johnny whispers into Hansol's ear as the boys finally decided to pick a movie.

Hansol nods. "For each other."

* * *

 

**_"Love remained a drug that’s the high and not the pill"_ **


	2. We're Not the Same, Dear, As We Used to Be

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He knows this isn't healthy, but if him and Hansol can work it out, it'll be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For @renjvn since she wanted another chapter
> 
> I hope you enjoy :) 
> 
> There are mentions of heavy drinking, drug use, blood and referenced self harm.

_**"We bury our love in the wintery grave** _

_**A lump in the snow was all that remained** _

_**But we stayed by its side as the days turned to weeks** _

_**And the ice kept getting thinner with every word that we'd speak."** _

 

\- Death Cab for Cutie, _"The Ice is Getting Thinner"_

* * *

 

They really didn't change at all, Johnny finally realizes. 

He remembers leaving Taeyong and Jaehyun's house a few hours after him and Hansol made a joint promise to stop hurting one another and themselves, but that promise went to absolute shit after a short three weeks.

For one, Hansol stumbled in drunk at 2:30 am, the stench of alcohol filling up the home yet again, and Johnny hearing the older drop things and drop _God knows what_ all over the house, Johnny had enough and almost fell out of bed, and ran down the stairs angrily. 

 

_"What the hell Hansol?" Johnny starts yelling as he dashes down the steps. Hansol is damn near an absolute mess, his hair disheveled and his clothing reeking with the strong scent of booze and cigarettes. "Why?"_

_"Why what?" The older male slurs out, propping his swaying body against the wall. Johnny brings his hand up to his face and pinches the bridge of his nose, breathing in and out slowly to prevent him from freaking out. "Don't worry love, all I want to do is sleep right now. Come on, lets go." Hansol reaches out for the ladder's hand , but Johnny steps back, almost causing Hansol to fall flat on his face. One part of him wants to help out Hansol and lead him to the bed to go to sleep, but another part wants to watch Hansol stumble around the house and realize how much he's fucked up tonight. "Come on, lets go to bed."_

_"No," Johnny says sternly, retracting his hand from Hansol's reach and finally sees the older fall on his face. He doesn't know why he feels so content now, honestly. Maybe it's the fact that Hansol might come to his senses and realize what he's done, or how Hansol may realize he's never kept his side of the promise but Johnny has. Why does he feel so triumphant all of a sudden?_

_"And why not?" Hansol stands up from where he fell and leans up against the wall for support. His voice is starting to become less slurred, and Johnny feels stunned as to how Hansol's voice took a drastic turn. "You know what? I didn't need to come home to all of this arguing bullshit."_

_Johnny scoffs. "You're kidding me, right? You didn't want to come home to arguing? I didn't want you to come home drunk tonight Hansol, but unfortunately we all don't get what we fucking want."_

_Hansol stays silent. This causes Johnny to continue on his rant, and he really doesn't care what the older has to say at the moment. "And you know what? I kept my side of the promise. I haven't hurt myself in three weeks, but yet here you are, drunk as fuck and—" Johnny stops himself when Hansol walks past him and towards the bathroom, and he doesn't think of moving his feet before he hears the mdeciine cabinet opening and dashes towards the bathroom, seeing Hansol struggling to open the lid to the bottle of Xanax, but once Hansol finally opens the lid, Johnny knocks the bottle out of his hand and the white pills scatter across the floor._

_"Stop acting like you fucking care Johnny! Fucking hell!" Hansol finally blurts out, after Johnny blocks the medicine cabinet and sink with his body. Hansol tries desperately to move Johnny away from the sink, but the ladder doesn't budge, his hands gripping the porcelain sink tightly. **"Move!"**_

_**"No!"** Johnny yells back, they are now yelling in each other's faces. Hansol's hand is gripping his wrist tightly, but at this point, Johnny could really care less. He isn't going to let Hansol die, no fucking way. "Let me help you! I'm here for you! I care! And you just don't understand that, do you?" Hansol's silent again, and Johnny can feel Hansol's fingernails digging into the skin of his wrist. Johnny knows that Hansol isn't doing this on purpose, hurting him. Hansol just has something that he can't deal with right now, and Johnny doesn't know what it is. _

_"I-I'm sorry." Hansol croaks out after a long moment of silence between the two, his hand finally letting go of Johnny's wrist, and Johnny feels the older's arms wrap around him and warm tears soak into the fabric of his thin long sleeve near his shoulder. Johnny brings his right arm up to wrap around Hansol, but he can't bring up his left. Johnny realizes that Hansol didn't think about the recently healing scars on the ladder's forearm, and they both hear soft dripping sounds hitting the tiled flooring. Hansom removes himself and looks down at the floor, tiny droplets of blood decorating a tile or two. "Shit, Johnny—"_

_"Go to bed," he says to the older, kissing him on the cheek. "I'll clean it up."_

_"I love you," Hansol says, raking his fingers through his disheveled hair._

_Johnny looks up from underneath the sink cabinet, flashing a tiny smile. "I love you too, now get to bed."_

_He knows this isn't healthy, but if him and Hansol can work it out, it'll be okay._

 

He's sitting at Dongyoung's kitchen table, drinking coffee with him while Chittaphon is in the shower and Hansol headed out for work, even though Johnny said he should stay home because of his hangover but "if you have off today we need income and money for this week," and Johnny finally caved in and let Hansol go to work, and that he should try and be careful. Dongyoung is looking at him with wide eyes after Johnny yells him the story of the other night, and Johnny just sips on his coffee quietly. "Johnny...That's... _That's not healthy._ " 

"You don't think I know that?" Johnny responds, getting up and pouring himself another cup of coffee. "It's just...I feel like I need to be there for him, you know? I'm just scared that one day I'm going to come home and find him dead in one of the rooms. It's absolutely _terrifying_." 

Chittaphon then interrupts their conversation when he steps out of the bathroom and looks around the room, Johnny waving. "Well, Dongyoung, thanks for telling me we had a visitor." 

"Shut up Chittaphon." Johnny laughs, playfully shoving the smaller boy to the side as the doorbell rings three times. "Dongyoung, holy shit, were you planning a party for today or something?"

Dongyoung laughs and walks to the door, to be face to face with Taeyong, Yuta and Jaehyun. "What do you fuckers want?"

"Love you too Dongyoung, love you too," Yuta mumbles with a smile, walking into the kitchen with a pack of soda. "I could've brought beer if I—"

 _"No,"_ Johnny accidentally hisses out and lets out a nervous laugh. Jaehyun looks over and raises an eyebrow while Johnny rubs the back of his neck nervously. "I meant, now really isn't a good time to be drinking, not for me anyways."

Dongyoung looks at him with a look that Johnny can't identify for the the life of him. He just can't deal with the taste, let alone the smell of alcohol right now, not after the scene with Hansol last night. Speaking of Hansol, his phone buzzes with a text from him, and Johnny looks at it while a smile.

 

**Ji Hansol (10:31am)**

_Hey love, I just wanted to tell you that I really am sorry for the way I acted last night. And I promise I'll get better, I swear to God. I'm thinking about going to AA meetings, I overheard one of my coworkers talking about where she goes for them and she said I can go along with her tonight._

 

**Ji Hansol (10:33am)**

_I'm serious Johnny. There's no more drug use, no more reckless drinking with me. I'm going to change for the better, for me and you. Love you._

 

**Johnny Seo (10:37am)**

_I love you too Hansol. This is absolutely great. :)_

 

**Johnny Seo (10:38am)**

_I'm glad we're starting to turn things around. If you want me to do something too I will._

 

**Ji Hansol (10:41am)**

_I mean, if you want to something that'll help us both out love, I have an idea._

 

**Johnny Seo (10:42am)**

_And what would that be?_

 

**Ji Hansol (10:45am)**

_If I go to AA meetings, do you want to go to counseling?_

 

Johnny's fingers freeze before he types his next message. How is he supposed to respond to that? Should he go to counseling? He's tried it before when he was a teenager living in Chicago, but it didn't help him much, especially when they kept it a secret from his father. That's when things boiled over. 

 

**Ji Hansol (10:47am)**

_Johnny, honey, is everything okay?_

 

**Johnny Seo (10:52am)**

_I'll do it_

 

**Johnny Seo (10:53am)**

_I'll go._

**Ji Hansol (10:54am)**

_That's great!_

 

**Ji Hansol (10:56am)**

_I've gotta before the boss chews my ass out. I love you._

 

**Johnny Seo (10:57am)**

_I love you too Hansol._

 

Johnny shoves his phone back into his sweatshirt pocket and lets out a heavy sigh. He tuned out the conversation that the others were having, which then ended up in the living room, where Taeyong and Yuta were going head to head (yet again) on what movie they should watch before Chittaphon and Taeyong head out for the afternoon plus night shift at the restaurant they work at. Johnny walks in while Taeyong and Chittaphon are arguing about watch Harry Potter or The Fault in Our Stars.

"Who wants to watch a sappy ass movie about love?" Chittaphon yells at Taeyong, who has his hand on his hip in a sassy way. Johnny sits down in between Jaehyun and Dongyoung who are hiding their laughs and smiles behind their hands.

"Who wants to watch a movie about British kid wizards who don't have any idea what they're doing?" 

"You take that back!"

They're all laughing (almost near crying, in fact), but they all decide to watch Harry Potter, much to Taeyong's dismay, but he ends up sitting there and actually enjoying the movie. At the end of the movie, the doorbell rings, and Johnny is the one who ends up answering it after Jaehyun decided to yell "not me!" and all the others followed as well. 

Johnny rolls his eyes at them playfully, with a smile on his face and simultaneously flipping off Jaehyun in the process.

"I'm coming! I'm coming!" He yells at the door, and once he opens the door, he sees Hansol's smile, and he's holding up his car keys with a little smile on his face. "Ready to go?"

Johnny walks over to the coat rack and grabs his coat, zipping it up the whole way to his neck. "Go where?" He asks, while waving to the other boys crowded in the living room. Johnny shuts the front door behind him, the winds becoming really heavy. 

" _I_ have my first meeting today. And _you_ ," Hansol emphasizes with a smile, "have your first counseling session today."

Johnny stops once he gets to the passenger side door of Hansol's car, his hand holding onto the the door handle and he sighs. "Alright, alright," he says along with a smile. "We agreed."

He gets in the car and puts his hands in front of the heater as his fingers feel like icicles. Johnny hears a seatbelt click and he knows it's not him or Hansol; he turns around and sees an unfamiliar female face, casing him to shriek and turn to Hansol. _"Who is that?!"_  

Hansol smiles as the two boys latch their seatbelts in and begin to drive out onto the highway. "This i the female coworker I was telling you about," he stops at a stop sign. "Johnny, meet my favorite coworker, Choi Sooyoung. Sooyoung noona, meet my boyfriend, Johnny Seo."

"Hansol, honey," she says as Johnny turns around in his seat to bow at Sooyoung. "Drop the honorific, please. It's nice to meet you, Johnny. Hansol talks about you all the time."

Johnny smiles and turns around back into his seat, slouching down. "It's nice to meet you too Sooyoung, unfortunately under these circumstances."

Sooyoung waves her hand and lets out a scoff. "No worries love, we all have our personal demons. Say, Johnny, that's an uncommon name for around here. Are you a foreigner?"

Johnny nods. Boy, Sooyoung really does tell the truth, about how they all have personal demons. "Yes, born in Chicago," he looks over at Hansol. "About last night...What caused you to act out like that?"

Hansol stops and makes a right turn towards a white and blue building. Pulling into the parking lot, he keeps the car running and turns to face the ladder. "You remember my sister?"

"Yeah, I do." Johnny vividly remembers the day he met Hansol's older sister, bright smiles and the threatening words of, _"you hurt my baby brother and I swear to God we are going to have big issues."_

"Well, um," Hansol rubs the back of his neck. "She had a heart attack and I went to the hospital. They told me she wasn't going to make it for long if she didn't have surgery. I just got so worried and ran out of the room, they told me she accepted the surgery. She's alive still, thank _God_ , but I couldn't bear to even _think_ of losing her. So, I went to the bar and proceeded to," Hansol moves his hands around, trying to think of a sentence, "y'know, drink." 

Johnny sighs heavily. So _that's_ what happened. That's what pushed Hansol of the edge. He unbuckles his seatbelt and hugs the older tightly until Hansol laughs and tells him to let go, that his grip was becoming too tight. Johnny laughs. "So, where are we?" 

"This is where you'll gave your counseling session. Just go to the secretary's desk and she'll give you a few papers to fill out. Sooyoung and I are going to our meeting three blocks down," Hansol kisses the younger on the lips as he opens the passenger door. "I love you.

"I love you too," Johnny says, his teeth chattering together because of the strong and cold winds. "It was nice meeting you Sooyoung. Have a nice evening."

"You too," she flashes a bright smile and Hansol drives off, leaving johnny with his hands in his jacket pockets and staring at an unfamiliar building.

 _So,_ Johnny thinks, _this is it. This is actually happening._ He enters the building with a small smile. 

•

Hansol sits in the small circle of unfamiliar men and women, the only person he knows is Sooyoung. With his legs crossed, he sits in the chair quietly and waits for the meeting to begin. Thoughts run through his head at a mile a minute and Hansol himself can't process any of them until the last one.

_You're doing it. You're going to become better. For you, for Johnny. For the both of you._

"We have new members," the woman says a little too cheerfully. "Please stand up and introduce yourself."

Hansol's anxiety kicks in, but Sooyoung nudges him and a small smile appears on both of their faces. He needs to face his problem, and today's the day to finally do it.

"Hi, my name is Hansol, and I'm an alcoholic." 

 

•

 

Okay, Hansol didn't tell him that the first session wasn't a one-on-one with the counselor, but a _group_ session instead.

Johnny looks around the room, people ranging from their late teens to their early twenties. He then looks at the middle-aged woman who is his counselor, and how she's pushing him gently to say his name and explain in one sentence why he's here today. He sits straight up in the cushioned chair with his legs crossed, and he lets out a small sigh. 

"Hello, I prefer to be called Johnny, and the reason why I'm here is because I hurt myself and that's because... because I don't know how to cope with everything in a different way."  

* * *

 

_**"After of all of the darkness and sadness** _

_**Soon comes happiness** _

_**If I surround my self with positive things** _

_**I'll gain prosperity"**_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those who don't know, the songs that I've been using for the story are:
> 
> • Death Cab for Cutie- "The Ice is Getting Thinner"  
> • Destiny's Child- "Survivor"  
> • Seal- "Kiss From A Rose"
> 
> Also, I don't know whether to add a final chapter. Comment your opinions please? I'd gladly appreciate it.


	3. The Worst is Over, Now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Mentions of Past Emotionally Abusive Relationship, Child Abuse and Suicide Attempts

_**"We fall, so hard, now we gotta get back what we lost, lost** _   
_**I thought you'd gone, but you were with me all along, along."** _

\- Macklemore ft. Ryan Lewis, _"Starting Over"_

* * *

  
"So what made you turn to alcohol and pill addiction?" The counselor asks him in front of the large-sized group. Hansol has the feeling to sink down into his chair and hide his face behind his sweatshirt covered hands. He's still so shy, despite being a month into the program. Not once has he turned to alcohol or pills to numb himself, and yet he really doesn't want to tell everyone why he's been like this.

Hansol can't blame it on Johnny, well, not exactly. He just doesn't like it when the two argue so much to the point when one of them ends up in tears (or both, it's happened on multiple occasions), and Hansol doesn't want to remember. He doesn't want to remember the relationship from his past that made him so fucked up that he can barely remember what happened the night before.

  
_"Would you stop acting like such an attention whore Hansol? My god!"_

_"I-I didn't even do anything," Hansol stumbles out, wrapping his arms around his then-boyfriend, who shoves his arms off of him. The man stands up, and even though they're around the same height, Hansol feels as if he can't escape all of a sudden. He didn't do anything wrong. Why was his partner being like this?_

_He grabs his jacket as Hansol stays standing in the same spot. "You know what? I'll just go out and find someone else who can actually be loyal, is that alright with you, sweetheart?"_

_Hansol doesn't have the heart to respond, the other man just leaving and slamming the front door with such force that a picture frame fell off the shelf of Hansol and his family. Again, his feet just stand in the same place and his eyes gaze over to the broken glass on the floor._

_The next time it happens they get into an argument, Hansol finally standing up for himself when his boyfriend keeps bringing him down and calling him derogatory names. The last words he's heard from his then-boyfriend was;_

_"Have fun finding someone who actually loves you. You're worthless."_

  
"Abuse," Hansol responds quietly, Sooyoung rubbing his shoulder. He honest to God wants to leave, his anxiety levels hitting the roof, his heart racing and legs bouncing up and down as every person takes their turn speaking about why they were here, what caused the alcohol addiction that they had. How severe was the addiction? How long have they had it for?

He just wants to go back home and lie down with Youngho, to talk about their day in counseling and how it's helping them both out. Hansol is so glad that this is working out for the both of them; he hasn't touched a pill container or a bottle of alcohol that leaves him incoherent and unable to be normal,, and Youngho hasn't touched a blade or dug his fingernails so deep into his skin that he draws blood and leaves scars.

It takes an hour before the meeting officially ends, and he grabs a bottle of soda from the machine on the way out with Sooyoung, who is begging Hansol for a piggyback ride to the car, since her feet are tired from her heels.

"Well you shouldn't have worn those large ass heels today honey," Hansol laughs, and he feels a perfectly manicured hand slap him playfully on the shoulder before he lifts the older woman onto his back and crosses the parking lot to meet his car, and he opens the car door and puts the keys into the ignition, letting the car warm up just a little bit before he and Sooyoung drive off to Sooyoung's house.

"Hey Hansol," she says as she opens the door to go to her house. Hansol looks up from the steering wheel, his fingers tapping against the leather interior as she shows him a bright smile. "I'm glad you're getting better. Congrats on your first month of being sober," she leans over and gives him a hug and a pat on the back. He hasn't felt this accomplished in such a long time, and Hansol,returns the hug. He couldn't have done it without her, that, and overbearing her conversation, but nonetheless.

"Thank you Sooyoung, have a nice night," he responds as she waves at him before running into her house. Hansol drives off, wondering if he should stop somewhere and grab some food, because if he doesn't, him and Johnny might starve because Johnny can't cook for shit, especially after what happened one time during his birthday last year. Hansol laughs loudly as he makes a right turn, down his street towards his and Johnny's house.

 

_"What is the smoke— oh my god!" Hansol yells at the top of his lungs, as Johnny is whipping a wash cloth at the smoke detector. A burnt cake sits on top of the stove, as Hansol throws it into the trash and Johnny gets the smoke detector to finally stop beeping and shut off. Hansol looks over at the ladder, who has a shy smile on his face. "Happy Birthday~. I destroyed the cake that I made for you, I'm sorry."_

_Hansol laughs and wraps the younger in a tight hug."You tried and that's all that matters, except you could've burnt our house down," Hansol looks up to see Johnny looking at the smoking stove. " Okay, I know you can't bake at all. Who helped you?"_

_Johnny fake gasps, slapping Hansol on the chest playfully, and laughs loudly. "Chittaphon helped me, but I'm glad you think my cooking sucks."_

_"Now I didn't say—" Hansol starts off, but Johnny cuts him off with a lingering kiss to the lips, and the elder blushes heavily. "What was that for?"_

_"Because you're going to start putting yourself down. Now come on," Johnny pulls out a take out bag of Chinese food. "Let's eat."_

_Hansol laughs as Johnny grabs silverware. "Oh shush it Hansol, this was my backup plan."_

  
Hansol pulls into the driveway, Johnny's car not parked in the garage. He sighs and enters the house after turning his car off, and finds a sloppy handwritten note from Johnny on the kitchen table.

_**"The counselor called me, and she told me that there was an opening for a session at 6 tonight, and I scheduled it. I'm sorry, I should've told you sooner. If you arrive here before I do, Chittaphon and I made some food that's in the fridge for you. I'll be back around 7. I love you.** _

_**~ Johnny"** _

Hansol smiles at the note, but he really isn't hungry at the moment. He places the written note back on the kitchen table and walks into the living room, tuning on the TV. Once he sits down, he gets back up and decides to try the food that Johnny and Chittaphon made. To his surprise, it isn't as bad as he thought it would be.

**Ji Hansol (5:45pm)**   
_Wow you actually taught Johnny to cook something without burning the house down. I'm proud of you._

**Chittaphon (5:47pm)**   
_You're such a fucking dick ohmygod. How Johnny tolerates you I have no idea._

**Ji Hansol (5:49pm)**   
_Because we love each other, dick. Isn't that how you and Dongyoung get along too?_

**Chittaphon (5:49pm)**   
_I hate you, you asshat._

**Ji Hansol (5:50pm)**   
_Love you too fuckface :)_

*

"So, Youngho—"

"Don't call me that," Johnny cuts the elder lady off, voice already beginning to quiver, and he already feels embarrassed as it is. "Please."

"Okay," she scans the paper. "I'm sorry. So, Johnny, for the past month you haven't mentioned anything about your childhood, and avoiding my questions about it. Would you like to open up about it?"

Johnny crosses his legs while sitting on the couch. Does he want to open up about it? Yes. Should he? Yeah, he probably should. It's been 23 years, he's dealt with the memories for long enough. He looks up at the lady and smiles as her pen taps against the metal of her clipboard. "Nothing was happy," he looks down. Johnny's slowly starting to regret ever coming here, he wants to get better, he really, really does. But there's one part of his brain that keeps telling him to get out while he still can, that he doesn't need this. But the other part wants to keep his promise to Hansol, because they both need to be healthy and happy for each other, not only one person just being happy and healthy, while destroying the person that loves them with their heart. "Kids are supposed to have fun," he feels the urge to laugh. "Honestly, I never did."

"And why's that?" She looks up at Johnny after writing down what he said on her piece of paper attached to the clipboard. Johnny holds back a laugh, he hasn't even told her the details yet and she's already sugarcoating her voice, becoming sickly sweet. "Why wasn't it happy?"

"Your father shouldn't make you want to die from the age of 7 to 18, now isn't he? And you know what, I never wanted any of it. It was bad, really bad. Actually, I came here with my lip busted open and a few bruises on my face."

_"Youngho, you need to get that boy out of here," his mother bursts into the room and hisses quietly. She's worried of course, Youngho knows that, she isn't mad at him at all. "Your father is almost home and I don't want anything to happen to you, or God forbid, this boy. Okay?"_

_Youngho looks over at the boy and he nods, grabbing his belongings quickly and once the front door slams with a large amount of force, he slips out of Youngho's bedroom window while his mother runs back to her bedroom and shuts the door while Youngho does the same._

_He hates this, he absolutely fucking hates this. Living in fear because his father can't get his anger issues and all of shit together so that he can lay off his son and wife with his fists, although, Youngho takes it more, but nonetheless, it's still wrong. He hears his father's loud voice booming through the entire house, and Youngho is just so used to it that he makes his way downstairs, not even knowing what or who he wants._

_"Oh good," his father says propping down on the chair. "Make yourself useful and grab me a beer, boy."_

_He already knew what to do. Youngho opens the fridge door and finds himself not seeing any beer in the fridge. He turns around, playing with his fingers as he becomes nervous. "There...There isn't any."_

_"Well get me some then!" Money is thrown at him, and he bends down to pick it up. How is he supposed to buy beer when he isn't of legal age yet? He walks over to the front door but stops himself as his father raises his eyebrows. "What're you doing? Walk!"_

_"I-I can't, I'm not—" His words are cut off by being pinned against the wall beside the front door, his father's arm pinning him. "I-I’m not old enough," he whispers underneath of his breath, as much as he can with his father's arm pinned tightly against his neck, and a fist collides with his stomach, sending Youngho almost to his knees. He's lifted back up to his feet where his father is standing directly in his face._

_"Don't you ever disrespect me. Understand?"_

  
"I'm not going any further than that. It became worse," Johnny stops talking about his childhood and uncrosses his legs to stick them straight out. The woman is writing everything down again, and he leans back and relaxes for a little bit. What else is she going to ask? How is his dad? Is he sober? Do they get along now or not? When was the first time he tried killing himself? Johnny could only wonder as the woman clicks her pen against the metal piece of the clipboard yet again.

"When was the first time you tried killing yourself? How old were you?" She asks him, pressing her glasses up on the bridge of her nose so that they don't fall off of her face. Johnny suppresses a laugh, he fucking knew she was going to ask him this. He bites his lower lip, looking down. He remembers that day, waiting for everyone to leave for the day so that he wouldn't disturb everyone. Youngho was only 16, a fucking kid and his depression made it hard for him to function let alone the beatings he received every day, or every other day if he was that lucky, but that was a rare occasion.

"I was sixteen," Johnny says, messing around with his sweatshirt sleeves. "Swallowed a bunch of pills when my parents left to go somewhere, my mom called the neighbor to check on me to make sure I was staying home and she found me on the kitchen floor. She called 911 when I was breathing correctly."

"You took the pills in the kitchen?" She asks, astonished as she writes down whatever Johnny says. For God's sake, he doesn't want to remember this, he hates going back and remembering this exact moment, when an middle-aged lady that babysat him when he was younger found him collapsed on the kitchen floor, pills found scattered across the clean hardwood flooring and his heart rate was slowing down. Now he's actually _thankful_ that she found him on the floor, or else he wouldn't have met Chittaphon, Dongyoung, Taeyong, Jaehyun, Yuta and Hansol. _Especially_ Hansol.

"No," Johnny responds, taking a deep breath. "I took them in the bathroom, which was a room over from the kitchen. I just...I just walked out of the bathroom and collapsed onto the floor."

She writes all of it down, and Johnny hears the pen scratching against the paper. "How many times did you try commuting suicide, honey?"

Like he said, he doesn't want to remember. Johnny tries pushing it all back, but then faintly remembers another time during his sophomore year of college dorming with Hansol and Yuta when Hansol found the ladder barely conscious on the bathroom floor due to blood loss because his father had called him, demanding money for no absolute reason, and then began screaming at him.

  
_"Yuta, call 911! For Christ's sake, hurry!"_

_Youngho feels Hansol's palm slapping against his cheek, trying to keep him conscious as the elder grabs a random towel off of the floor and wraps it around the bleeding wrist. "They're on their way here!" Yuta yells, trying to walk into the bathroom to help out Hansol but can't step foot in the bathroom before he begins to cry._

 

"Twice? Three times? I really don't remember," Johnny says, standing up and grabbing his jacket. "I'll see you next session, okay?"

They both look up at the clock above her seat in the medium-sized room, the hour almost up. She clicks her pen closed and takes the paper out of the clipboard and lays it down on her coffee table. "Alright honey, I'll see you later, okay? And remember, don't hesitate to call me if you ever need to meet up somewhere or just need someone to talk to, alright?"

Johnny smiles, his hand grasping the doorknob. "Thank you. Have a great night."

"You too," he hears her respond with a smile on her face as he bolts out of the building, ecstatic to go home to Hansol and hear all about his day.

  
**Johnny Seo (7:00pm)**

_I'm on my way home :)_

**Ji Hansol (7:01pm)**

_I'm here :)_

  
**Ji Hansol (7:02pm)**

_Oh, and the food was delicious too love, I'm glad you didn't burn the house down. :))_

  
**Johnny Seo (7:04pm)**

_Thank you :) but you just ruined the loving moment we had_

**Ji Hansol (7:04pm)**

_I love you too :))_

> *

"It's been six months now. How does it feel?" Jaehyun says, taking a sip out of his wine glass. All of the boys are sitting around a table in a half-empty restaurant, and Hansol and Johnny laugh simultaneously. They've gotten so much better. Hansol hasn't even thought of touching alcohol everyday, and he promises that only today will he drink only one glass of wine for a celebration. Youngho hasn't touched a blade or anything in the time period that he's been to counseling, although he's thought about it. There hadn't been any bad arguments like the ones they've had before, but there have been arguments, and they're slowly starting to die down, and the two are starting to talk things out calmly instead of lashing out at one another, destroying themselves in the process.

None of them know why they're here, but Dongyoung made a group chat and insisted they all get together somewhere and enjoy a night out for dinner. To celebrate something, but Dongyoung insisted to keep it secret until the dinner. Yuta is swirling around his wine glass, along with Jaehyun, and Taeyong is eating a piece of cake that he ordered and that Jaehyun playfully bitched at him for it. Chittaphon is laughing at Hansol who is now crying with laughter because Taeyong punched Dongyoung so hard in the shoulder that he fell off of his seat.

"So, What're we even here for?" Johnny speaks up clicking his fork against his empty dish to grab everyone's attention. They notice Dongyoung and Chittaphon look at each other with the same happy look on their faces. Johnny stands up from the table quickly and hits it with his knee. "Don't tell me what I think this is!"

"Oh my God Johnny, yes," Chittaphon laughs out. "He proposed."

 _"YES!"_ They all scream at the same time, high fiving each other and hugging as Dongyoung yells out to Hansol, "You're my best man!"

Hansol laughs, hugging his friend tightly and lifting him up and slightly off of the floor. He's so fucking happy, he's so happy that he's getting to witness this in a time where he and Johnny are finally happy as well. Chittaphon yells out that there's a tie between Jaehyun and Johnny as best man for him and Jaehyun yells out that he's willing to fight Johnny for the position.

Fifteen minutes later, when they've all calmed down and begin to head out of the restaurant, Hansol starts up the car and sits there. Johnny looks over at him, raising his eyebrows questioningly. "So why are we just sitting here?"

"Just wondering where we'd be if we weren't getting any better."

"Honestly," Johnny looks over at Hansol. "I really don't know where I'd be. But I'm glad we're getting better."

Hansol starts driving out onto the road, rolling up the window while smiling. "Yeah, so am I."

They both know what would've happened if they weren't going to get any better. Recovery takes time, they both were told, and the two boys are going to be damned if they let anything stop them from getting onto the highway of success and great mental health, even if it does mean opening up to your mistakes and past.

Hansol knows it, Johnny knows it, and nothing can stop them.

Not now.

* * *

 

**_"If I can be an example of getting sober  
Then I can be an example of starting over"_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really did enjoy writing this, and I hope you guys enjoyed. I'm sorry for the rushed ending, I was falling asleep while writing this. :)
> 
> ~Kaylee

**Author's Note:**

> So like, my friend said this was really good and that I should post it so I did?  
> I don't know I really don't like the ending since I rushed it out.  
> Anyways, I hope y'all like this.  
> And my other story should be updated soon.
> 
> Love y'all,  
> Kaylee


End file.
